Being Fat Ended My Marriage, Says a Too Fat Wife

Divorce and Remarriage Changed Wife's View of Marriage Problems

May 11, 2009

"Being Fat Ended My Marriage," screams the cover of Ladies Home Journal, June 2009. At least one research study confirms that marriage to emotionally unavailable men often causes wives to overeat or develop physical ailments. These marriage problems apply to all women, not just those who are "too fat". However, the story of Jane's divorce and remarriage has a happy ending.

Being Fat Ended Marriage

"Being fat ended my marriage," says Jane, whose story begins when she met and moved in with Robert. Jane immediately (and unexpectedly) became pregnant, so Jane and Robert married. After their son was born, Robert stayed fit while mountain biking with friends on weekends. Jane stayed home to care for their son. Two years later, Jane gave birth to a daughter.

Not surprisingly, Jane gained weight and her marriage problems began. She had gained 40 pounds, though she was never obese, as she had started out skinny. Jane's marriage problems developed as Robert became sexually and emotionally unavailable.

Jane tried to shed the pounds by joining a health club and losing ten pounds. The couple saw numerous marriage counselors, as Jane spent years trying to change herself to win back his "love".

Research on Marriage ProblemsA study on marriage problems by psychologist Wendy Langford, reveals that many women base too much of their personal happiness on the approval and love of their husbands. According to Langford, some wives lose their identities and shut down feelings trying to gain the approval of their emotionally unavailable men. Even women in "happy" marriages can become emotionally and physically "sick" when their husbands shut down.

"As (one woman's) husband became more distant, the woman became preoccupied with her body... The more she worried that she was fat, however, and the less able she felt to assert herself within the relationship, the more she felt like eating to console herself."

Many Marriages Lead to Health Problems Like Overeating and Chronic Insomnia

In the Langford study, it was clear that the more some women attempted to re-establish a connection with their emotionally unavailable men, the more their husbands seemed to withdraw. This produced a "downward spiral" in the women's health problems. Bad relationships caused a range of health problems for the wives, sometimes severe, including:

Too Fat Wife's Divorce and RemarriageAfter two separations, a "gallon of tears", and years of marriage counseling, Jane and Robert divorced. Jane relaxed when there was no one around to monitor her every bite. She lost weight. When Jane started dating again, she realized that there were men pursuing her, rather than the other way around.

When no one told Jane that she should exercise, she started exercising on her own. She found that she loved tennis, and made new friends. Eventually, Jane remarried, finding someone who loved her the way she was. And, even though Jane never regained her tiny pre-pregnancy figure, she was happy and skinnier than before. Jane's remarriage was a hit.

When Jane says, "Being fat ended my marriage," she should add that her divorce and remarriage gave her a new husband, and a new life with fewer marriage problems. Research shows that some emotionally unavailable men withdraw even more when women try to change themselves to please their husbands. All women, whether they are too fat, too thin, or just right, should learn to keep themselves strong and retain their pre-marriage sense of identity.

Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.

Langford, Wendy. "'You Make Me Sick': Women, Health, and Romantic Love". Lancaster University Journal of Contemporary Health, 1997.

Morrison, Rebecca. "My Big Fat First Wedding", Ladies' Home Journal. June, 2009.

The copyright of the article Being Fat Ended My Marriage, Says a Too Fat Wife in Divorce is owned by Christina Gregoire. Permission to republish Being Fat Ended My Marriage, Says a Too Fat Wife in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

May 18, 2009 8:04 PM

dangel422 :

I think this is an example of blaming others for one's own issues using Dr. Phil psychology. When I met my wife, she was plump, but kept her weight in check. After getting married, that self-control seemed to melt away and the pounds piled on. I love my wife as much as ever, but she loves to eat and once the pressure to stay thin was removed, she gave in to her desires. For the first 2-3 years she took notice of her weight gain and would go on half-hearted diets that fizzled in a few days; she joined an exercise club but went only 3 times. In the end, she just gave up and gave in to her appetite, swelling from 150 pounds to over 250 over the 8 years we have been together. The problem is an addiction to food and removal of the motivation to resist that desire.

Sep 22, 2009 2:53 AM

Guest :

After struggling with it for months, I finally told my wife that her weight gain was bothering me. That was three years and about 30 added pounds ago. Then I told her it was affecting our sex life; our lovemaking had dropped to 3-4 a month. So she went on an exercise and diet program at the start of the year - and has not lost any weight that i can see. I am frustrated and turned-off. I am shocked that she isn't making this a priority. She is threatening our marriage for junk food?!