Building Bridges with the Former In-Laws
Tips on Connecting with Ex-laws
During your marriage you established a linkage with your spouse’s family, and found yourself left out in the cold when you and your partner split. Abandoned, disappointed, you may see no reason to build bridges with the former in-laws. However, if you look at the telescope from their end and see the advantages of reconnecting with the ex-laws, you can find tips how to open the door and establish the proper boundaries.
Concerns of Grandparents
Family members soon discover they cannot be in two camps at the same time. (In divorce, neutrality is treason.) Typically, the grandparents' first concern is losing access to grandchildren, especially if they are the paternal grandparents. Chances are they making accommodations to help a son or daughter get back on his or her feet and putting their own plans on the back burner.
The Advantages of Reconnecting with Ex-Laws
You and your children will reap the benefits if you do not fan the flames post-divorce. As noted by Arthur Kornhaber, M.D. in his authoritative The Grandparent Guide [McGraw Hill, 2002]. It takes time for children to readjust to the changes wrought by divorce, and children do best when they have the love and support of extended family. Grandparents are the family historians. They help shape your child's identity. Moreover, by reaching out to the ex-laws, you will relieve the strain of having to go it alone. Don't forget, grandparents can be backup babysitters!
Tips for Reconnecting with the Ex-laws
Reconnecting can be challenging, especially if you have cut off communication. Here are some suggestions to open the door:
- Send a holiday card, a note of congratulations to commemorate some special occasion or to acknowledge a loss or illness. When posting a general e-mail, add the ex-laws to the forward list and wait for a response.
- Avoid dumping on the ex-laws to anyone who might carry tales. Accept the fact that, in order to make peace, you will have to overlook certain things the ex-laws said or did because they were hurting, too.
- When the children visit, be clear about your rules regarding bedtime, meals, television viewing and video game playing, but expect some over-indulgence. (Isn’t that what being a grandparent is all about?) Make visitations stress-free by greeting your ex-laws with a smile, making sure to show your appreciation for their going out of their way to give the children a good time.
- Be specific about how much advance notice you will need if there is a special family occasion (such as wedding, birthday parties) to which the grandchildren are invited.
- If grandparents want to see the grandchildren more often than your schedule permits, be politic about your needs, especially if you are newly divorced or remarried. Be upfront about the time you want them to arrive and deliver the children.
- Let the children enjoy a guilt-free visit when they are with their grandparents. Children shouldn’t be made to feel they are “going to the other side.” If you think the kids are being plied with questions about you, make it clear that seeing grandchildren is not a given … it’s a gift. By the same token, respect the boundaries and do not use them as spies to find out about the ex.
By building bridges with your ex-laws you will be modeling forgiveness for your children, ease their adjustment and hasten your own rebuilding after the devastation of divorce.
Grandma Checks the Bruised Knee
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Grandma Checks the Bruised Knee
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