Marriages can fail for a number of different reasons, but often the major contributor to a failed marriage is poor communication. When divorce occurs and children are involved, parents are faced with a very difficult position-- they couldn’t communicate during marriage and they find it even more difficult after divorce. Divorced parents must learn new skills, learn to co-parent, and communicate effectively while they live apart.
It isn’t a wonder why many people fail at such a situation. If you are faced with similar circumstances, here are some strategies to help lower tensions, diminish conflict, and improve communication while you co-parent.
Limit Phone Calls
Agree to communicate via e-mail and only call in emergency situations. Compose e-mails, think about them carefully, and make sure they are clear, concise, aren't filled with emotion, and aren't accusatory. Think solely about your children’s needs when you write e-mails. When calls are at a minimum, there is less of an opportunity for arguments. Another benefit is that all communication is documented and can easily be downloaded into a file.
Have a Specific Schedule
Whether the court decides the custody arrangement or the parents do, have a specific schedule that includes pick up times and drop offs. Create the schedule ahead of time (at least a year out). There will be important events that occur and the schedule will have to be modified, but do your best to minimize modifying the schedule and e-mail schedule changes or requests in a timely manner. This helps prevent numerous arguments throughout the year.
Garnish Wages
Whether the man or woman is providing the child support, it is best to garnish wages. Many marriages end over money issues and financial discussions don’t typically improve after divorce. With wages garnished, there won’t be a conversation about how much money is available this month, when it can be provided, or whether more money is needed. Funds are deposited at the same time each month without additional discussion between the parents.
Don’t Let Boy/Girl Friend or New Spouse Get Involved
Co-parenting is complicated as it is. When a new person enters the picture they often have their own ideas about how to parent. Though they may have great ideas, they shouldn't be at the table. In a situation filled with conflict, parents of the children should be the only two people communicating.
Think of the Kids First
Conflict will occur in a co-parenting situation and when it does, keep reminding yourself that you both have the same goals for your children and you want the children to have a positive relationship with both parents. Continue to think of their needs, believe your ex is doing the same, and minimize the arguments for your children’s sake.
Be Flexible
Remember to be flexible even though it isn’t easy all of the time. It is good for your children to see you are able to bend a little.
If You Need More Help
Often parents aren’t able to handle the co-parenting situation on their own. If there is a problem, get some help. Consider taking a conflict resolution class, go to mediation, seek help from a counselor or pastor, or consult an attorney to determine your rights and the rights of your children. Create a parenting agreement with your ex that involves a communication style that works for both parties. Doing so will make everyone happier in a difficult situation.
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