Dealing With Your (Soon-to-be) Ex
How to Make It Tolerable for Both People and Heal the Rift
Dealing with your estranged partner can be difficult. Using these strategies, you can make it easier for both of you to get along, and likely even begin to heal the rift.
Can it Heal?
When people separate, it usually leads to divorce. Both parties are going to be hurt in this. There will be resentment, sometimes fighting (okay, usually), and a great deal of anger. Sometimes there will be tears on one or both parts. This is to be expected. And if you are the party who did not initiate the break-up, then you are likely going to be hurt and confused. Why is this happening? What did I do? How can I make it better?
Sometimes, even if you are the one who initiated the break-up, you wish you could make it better. There are those who believe that no marriage, except in the case of abuse, should end in divorce. If you are one of those, then here are some strategies to deal with your estranged partner that can help you to keep the lines of communication open, helping to increase the possibility of healing the partnership.
Don’t Reassure Him
Don’t bother telling him that you’ve changed or give him reassurance. It doesn’t work. You’re just wasting your breath. Instead show him by using the below strategies! And don’t tell him you love him over and over again. This makes you look clingy, and it never works. Estranged partners tend to shut you out the more you do that.
Always be Nice
Always! Being nice is the hardest thing for an angry or disgruntled person to deal with. If you are nice to her, no matter how mean or angry she is to you, she will eventually start to change her behavior and be nice to you, too. This is what you want. When you are nice to each other, then you are able to start talking to each other. And that can begin the healing cycle.
Never Lose Your Temper
It doesn’t matter how upset you are, you must keep your cool. You need to be polite, but honest, and never yell at your spouse. Yelling only raises stress levels in both parties. People react to it in a negative way. They either get angry or shut down. Neither reaction is good when you are in a discussion or, worse, want to heal each other’s wounds.
This is difficult to do, so you must make yourself aware of your voice. And that means the tone of your voice, too! It’s said that our words make up a small percentage of communication. The reason for that is because tone is often greater in a message than the actual words. So is body language. Be aware of your communication, not just the words you use!
Be Agreeable
This is the most important point! Agree with your spouse more than may be strictly necessary. This doesn’t mean to give in to everything he demands, such as signing property or custody rights over, but it does mean that when he criticizes you or make surly comments, say, “Yes, you’re right.” If he says you’re a jerk, agree with him. Don’t always say sorry, just say, “You’re right.” or “I’m starting to realize that.” Eventually he’ll stop.
It’s hard to want a divorce from someone who is agreeable. Don’t defend yourself. Just say, “You’re right.” or “Okay.” And once he stops criticizing you, he is more likely to start looking at this own contributions to the downfall of the relationship. Agree with whatever your partner’s negative feelings are. Just agree. Sound sincere. And shut up!
Be Helpful
If she needs something, and it won’t hurt you to help her, do it. Simple. Take a few minutes and pick up the cleaning. Wash the dog. Whatever it is. Just be a nice person. It’s amazing how much this helps to heal people and make them take another look at you. Be the person she fell in love with. Don’t send flowers or little gifts. That will give her the wrong message. But do be helpful when she needs it.
Act Happy
Whatever happens, act happy! Even if you don’t feel that way, you must make the other person see you as happy. Happiness is attractive. It displays confidence. That’s attractive. You must always do this! No switching between happy and “can we get back together?” Doesn’t work. Your partner should initiate any contact of that sort. If you have kids, keep everything to small talk, such as “What time do you want me to pick up the kids?” You can talk. You can even call. But no serious talk. It always hurts the relationship. Keep things happy, and to small talk.
Never Criticize
If you criticize, you are looking for your partner to improve. Don’t. It isn’t going to happen. He has to do it on his own. And he will, if you give him an example. So never criticize. Just work on improving yourself, and things will start to go better.
Don’t Look for Fault
It doesn’t matter who is at fault. You both are, in all likelihood. Ignore it, because it doesn’t matter. If you are blamed for something, then agree and say, “Yes, it’s my fault. You’re right.” It doesn’t matter how much you really are at fault (you probably are at least a little bit). Just agree and be likable!
Usually the person who initiates is the one who is least willing to look at fault. This is only where there is no abuse involved! If there’s abuse, and your partner is leaving because of that, then you need to see a professional counselor to deal with that before anything can heal. And you need to change your behavior permanently!
Be strong, and always be agreeable!
Ideas in this article are taken from:
http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/
http://www.stopyourdivorce.com
http://www.divorcebusting.com/
