When a father leaves home due to divorce, teens and children may experience a deep, spiritual soul loss and longing for having a father that loves them. The young men often mourn the fact that they do not have anyone who can teach them to become a “real man.” They are left with their similarly adolescent and lost friends to show them the way into adulthood.
Young women are left unprotected by the fact that no father greets a boyfriend at the door and says, “You have ME to answer to.” These young ladies are vulnerable because at any sign of male attention, often older males, often sexual, the girls jump at the chance to be told they’re pretty, lovable and wanted.
There is an increase of diagnosed depression, anxiety and addiction in our young people [SAMSHA National Survey on Drug Use & Health], often stemming from feeling unlovable and living in lower socio-economic status. Many fathers simply no longer feel responsible for providing economic resources for their children.
When young people grow up without their fathers, they encounter several troublesome obstacles. First, if dad is sometimes in the picture, they have to pick up and move from home to home on some pretty crazy schedules. It would challenge any adult to do what is ask of young people -- changing homes and still function highly at work.
Next there’s the dreaded disappointment and generalization about relationships. The dad who consistently breaks promises is paving a path of distrust and disrespect from his child. According to Judith Wallerstein many children feel that their time for growing up is significantly reduced when parents divorce [The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Hyperion, 2000].
Good Ideas to Support the Relationship with Your Children
- Attend your children and teens' sports, music performances, plays etc.
- Go to the parent teacher conferences.
- Eliminate conflict with your ex. Speak positively about your ex in front of the children.
- Minimize additional changes to your children's lives.
- Remain financially responsible. If you would have paid for sports, clothes, medical care and education prior to the divorce, continue that commitment.
- Keep your promises.
- Be a parent, not a friend. Teen and child development is assisted by consistent rules, boundaries, expectations and monitoring.
- Spend time having fun and listening to your kids.
- Tell children & teens you love them and show it by your consistent caring action.
- Be a good model of problem solving and conflict resolution.
When a divorce occurs, feelings of anger, sadness and resentment may cloud your judgment about parenting. It's important to get the emotional support you need through friends, family (adults), support groups or counseling. Then focus on your children. The legacy you leave as a father is important to your children, their future relationships and life success.
