How Children Cope With Parents' Separation
Understanding What Children are Feeling When Parents Separate
Jun 5, 2009
Parents that separate can sometimes get bogged down in argument and the blame game. Sometimes this happens in front of the children without any real thought given to how this might affect them. Often this is done in the heat of the moment, with everyone getting caught up in emotions. Instead of walking away both parties engage in the traditional "blame game", which achieves nothing, except for continuing on the same path the relationship had been heading.
How Do Children Cope ?
It can be difficult but it is really important to listen to what children are saying. They themselves are confused and take on a level of blame for the failed relationship. It is essential that children are not only listened to but reassured as well. Children will try to come to terms with things like:
- Who will read me my bed time story if dad has to move out?
- Can our dog come to the new house?
- If I had not been naughty dad would not have left and found a new family.
- Will I have to change schools if we move?
- I don't want to choose between my parents – I want to live with mum and dad.
Conflict is Most Damaging to Children
During separation children need reassurance from both parents. This might be difficult if it is a difficult separation. One party may try and use the children to pass on messages to the other parent, which is not appropriate. Or every time there is change-over, one parent might try to "pick a fight", which again is not in anyone's interest, particularly the children.
This is a time where adults really have to rise to the occasion and be adults. If the other parent is not up to this task then one has to take the lead. Conflict will not be healthy for the children in the short or long term.
What Children are Feeling
- After separation, children between 0-3 might become more clingy to both parents; there will be a reluctance to leave either one of them. At this age hours can seem like days and thus they tend to fret for the other parent. There can be an increase in unsettled behavior and crying.
- Children aged 3-8 may experience a change in school performance. There may be poor grades despite hard work. Aggression, disobedience and a reluctance to go to bed may be other symptoms in this age group.
- Children aged 9-12 may show an inability to cope with daily problems and activities. Worst case, there may be some substance abuse. Defiance of authority and long periods of negative moods are also not uncommon.
- Between the age of 13-17 children will experience confused thoughts and longer periods of sadness. There may be feelings of extreme highs and lows together with excessive fears and worries.
All children will want to take some responsibility for the break down of their parents relationship. And all children would like to see their parents back together. It is important that parents really listen to their children during this time.
What to Do to Encourage Children to Really Talk
- When driving in the car, turn the radio/CD player of. This way everyone in the car will be encouraged to talk.
- At meal times on, keep the TV off and encourage conversation.
- Walking the dog together may be a way to get the children to engage in conversation.
- Think of specific topics during the evening meal to prompt conversation – topics can include: what is the best thing that has happened today? If one was stranded on a desert island what three things would one take? If one could be a famous sport person who would one be?
During the difficult time of separation and high levels of conflict. it is important to remember that the best thing a parent can give a child is his or her time!
Staying focused on what the children need is a good way to let go of the conflict that probably has been a hallmark of the relationship for some time. Reducing conflict will be beneficial to children and parents and ultimately lead to a happier home.
 |
