Joint Custody Children need Order & Routine
Help Kids Adapt to Their New Living Arrangements in Two Homes
May 25, 2009
In divorce, especially joint custody situations, order and predictability are important to everyone. Each member of the family has had a jolt, which can knock even the strongest person off balance. But, one of the best ways for making a happy home, for joint custody children, is a sense of order and predictability. These two things help kids adapt and feel happy in both homes.
Help Kids Adapt to Two Homes, with Order and Predictability
According to Isolina Ricci, in her book Mom’s House, Dad’s House [Fireside, 1997], when a family is going through a transition like divorce, all parties need a feeling of predictability and order. It can be, especially, hard for children to live in one house with the whole family, then somewhat randomly and almost overnight, have to adapt to living half their life at mommy's and half their life at daddy's.
Children love both parents and want them back together. But, children are also strong and resilient, so they will learn to survive this. Kids can be helped by a predictable and orderly structure for at least some things in their new lives.
Divorced Parents: Making a Happy Home for Mom and Dad
Many parents who have just pulled through a divorce have a tough time, too. The stress can be paralyzing. Often, newly divorced parents are feeling:
- Anxious
- Angry
- Depressed
- Demoralized
- Remorseful
- Discouraged
Any of these feelings are normal for a divorced parent. No one goes into a marriage expecting divorce.
Newly single mothers and fathers can feel lethargic (tired or paralyzed) from coping with these feelings. They may have new fears about financial security. So, it's normal for depression (or anger) to stop some parents from establishing daily routines in a new household. But at this moment, predictability is the most important thing for a joint custody child.
Joint Custody Children Need Routines
Establishing daily routines is comforting to children and makes them feel more loved. It is helpful if both parents try to rally and not let household organization go downhill. Adults need to recover a "bare minimum" working order within each house, because children need to know what to expect. Kids who live in two homes need order and boundaries.
Parents can establish a routine for everyone (in their house) to follow, including things like:
- Getting ready in the morning
- Preparing and eating meals
- Buying groceries and gas
- Transporting kids to school or to sports
- Doing homework
- Times for rest and play
- Times for going to bed
Putting effort into household management may sound like a boring chore, but common sense and research support this action as important for calming fears and creating new stability.
“A sensible routine, with regular meals and regular times for shared recreation, translates into ‘home’, being cared about, and a sense of security,” according to Ms Ricci. And, this makes sense. Children may harbor an unspoken fear about a parent abandoning them, as each parent abandoned their spouse (in the child's eyes).
During Stress – Routine Helps Divorced Parents Feel Happy and Secure
According to one father from Ricci’s book, "Knowing my kids needed that routine forced me to be orderly for at least part of my week. Even when I didn't think I could make dinner or read that bedtime story, I did it. It actually did make things easier – not only for them, but for me, too."
- The earlier a family brings order back into their lives, the easier it is for everyone to readjust.
According to Ricci, “A sensible routine not only feels safe, it also allows our minds and bodies to calm down and heal. If your natural inclination is to be a relaxed and permissive parent, consider tightening up with a routine at least during your first year.”
- Rules don't need to be the same at both houses.
- Similar rules for both houses mean less confusion there is for a joint custody child.
It makes sense that children can be stressed out by changes. So, in joint custody situations, order and predictability are extremely important for them. To help a child feel happy, safe and loved, each parent may have to tighten up the rules to give children a framework for his or her new life. A happy home is a home with a routine.
Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
Resource:
Ricci, Isolina, Ph. D. "Setting Up Two Happy Homes For Your Children". Cadivorce.com, 2009.
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