The Emotional Stages Of Divorce

From Grief To Growth: Learn That You Can Be Happy Again

Apr 22, 2008 Yu Ming Lui

Similar to grief, the emotions faced in a divorce are complex and won't go away easily, but being more self-aware could help you cope better.

Divorce could also be coined “Relationship Death” as the emotions experienced are fairly similar to grieving over the loss of someone dear. The path to letting go of your marriage and finding acceptance is a difficult one, but being aware of what you are going through will help you navigate this challenging life transition. The negative feelings may not go away but harboring hope and staying positive is truly the path to recovery.

Stage One: Shock And Disbelief

Although you have broken up, you may still be looking for solutions to your marital problems. You might even be going through the yo-yo of getting back together and breaking up repeatedly, with the belief that if you both try to get it right, you could make your marriage work again. Questioning your self-esteem and blaming yourself are also a torturous part of this stage. When the bargaining process proves futile, the divorce finally sinks in and it feels more concrete as you inform friends and family.

Stage Two: Taking On Big Changes

This stage involves going through the actual divorce process, which involves lawyers and paperwork. Physical separation from your ex means learning to be independent again and adjusting your children to the new changes in their daily life. For yourself, re-programming from being part of a couple to being single is disorienting and you feel a sense of identity loss.

Although the initial emotional upheaval from the first stage has calmed down, there is a tendency to rely on going through the motions and keeping busy to numb the pain and depression. You could also experience terrible mood swings, insomnia, bouts of crying — it’s the period of time where you try to make sense of what went wrong.

Stage Three: Letting Go

You come to terms that your marriage is truly over — you have stopped obsessing with your marital problems and you take responsibility for your contribution to its breakdown but you are relieved to realize it’s better to be apart, than to be unhappy together. As the divorce papers are finalized, you start to feel hope for the future and singlehood feels liberating, rather than a lonely prospect.

Stage Four: Moving On

You’ve found your identity has evolved beyond the divorce and you cope with your new life. A change in career, dating, or new interests could occupy your thoughts. You also realize that the divorce didn’t beat you down but you emerged from it as a stronger individual.

The copyright of the article The Emotional Stages Of Divorce in Divorce is owned by Yu Ming Lui. Permission to republish The Emotional Stages Of Divorce in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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Jun 3, 2008 5:00 AM

Maureen :

Parents or some of them never think of what their state oflife would do to their kids.It is often that the'd think that what happens betwwen them would never affect us as kids and that we are too young to know what we want in our lives as they think yhat we are still young to know what life is all about.

Aug 22, 2008 12:37 AM

Guest :

it takes alot of time to feel "ok". it really is a greiving process.

2 Comments