The Parents' Role when a Child Divorces
A New Set of Parenting Skills when "I Do" Becomes "I Don't"
Jan 12, 2009
In order to avoid the most common mistakes, here are some guidelines to help you observe the boundaries when you learn your child's marriage is in trouble.
Accepting the News by Offering Support
Typically, by the time you get the news the marriage is doomed, it’s a done deal. Your role at that point is to support your adult child without affixing blame to either partner or by trying to repair the damage. First of all, you may not have all the information to know who's to blame. Instead of rushing the couple off to marriage counseling, suggest your child talk to a trained profession to pave the way for the future by avoiding past mistakes.
Offering Family Backup during Times of Stress
Even if you think your child is at fault, this is the time to withhold judgment and express your loyalty. Keep in mind that offering support (saying, "I'm here for you") is not the same as saying "I agree with your decision " Also, if at all possible, rally the other members under the family banner. As a parent, you become a role model for sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles who are measuring your response.
Rescuing Your Child after the Break-up
Fortunately, not all adult children return to the fold or seek financial assistance after the break-up. Most respond positively to tea and sympathy. But if your son or daughter needs more, by all means open the sofa bed and dig into your wallet by making it clear this is “temporary,” and that while you are happy to apply the band-aid, you want to move him or her toward independence as soon as possible. Of course, when there are grandchildren, focus on immediate needs, especially if your child is too distraught to be there for them. Do not make the mistake of extending the rescue stage and putting your life on hold too long. The best advice is to only do what you can do comfortably and with a free heart.
Reacting Positively to Change
Chances are your child will begin to rebuild his or her life by seeking out new relationships. For parents, this is often a difficult time because it means accepting a new partner who may or may not compare favorably with your child’s ex. Avoid making invidious comparisons. Keep an open mind and focus on the positives.
If you inherit step-grandchildren, respect boundaries. It is important not to overwhelm the new family members who will need time to adjust to the blended family constellation. At this stage, you can anticipate some natural distancing from the child who might have been dependent after the break-up. Negotiate holidays and introduce new family traditions while you are trying to build bridges with the ex-laws if your child is open to maintaining ties.
When your child gets divorced, you will have to acquire a whole new set of parenting skills. No one said it would be easy, but if you want to help your child rebuild and refocus you need to know what to expect and what to do when you first get the news the marriage is over. By offering support and respecting boundaries, you can be the family anchor when the family is "temporarily" adrift at sea.
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