Helping your Children Cope with Divorce
How to Remain a Good Dad after Separation
In a society that is suffering financially, economically and environmentally, there are a number of reasons why there has been an increase in the number of divorces over the years. However, regardless of the reasons, once it’s over, it’s over, right? Well actually not if there are children attached to the relationship.
When a relationship comes to an end in this situation, although there may be a lot of resentment, hostility and anger, you cannot forget that there are also suffering children that are affected as a result of the split.
The following points address some of the key issues dads need to consider upon the end of a relationship. By considering the following points, not only will they be able to continue to provide a high level of parenting, support and care for their children, they will also assist with keeping the relationship between themselves and ex partners as diplomatic and amicable as possible.
Reliability and Continuity in Child Support
Whether you live with your children or not, continuity and reliability are key factors to consider when continuing to support and care for your children. If you say you are taking your children out for a meal on Sunday, do it! If you are no longer living in the family home, or do not have residence of your children, but say you will pick them up at 10:00am on a Saturday morning, do it.
So many children have their hearts broken waiting for their dads to arrive, only to be met by a phone call stating they can’t make it. In some cases, children are not even given the thought of a phone call.
Although it can be appreciated that so much change has taken place in your life, how do you think a child feels? The answer is "awful" and probably 10 times worse. The fact of the matter is that you had a life before your relationship with their mother, they didn’t. With everything changing in their lives, they need a sense of stability. If you say you will be there, be there, and try not to make promises you may not be able to keep.
Show Children Respect
If you want your children to have respect for others (yourself included), then you must lead by example and show your respect first. This includes the way you relate to their other parent (either biological or acquired), regardless of whether you are still together or not. Children learn in a number ways; however the most impactful way may be through observing the behaviour of others.
Social Learning Theory (or SLT for short) is a concept that is primarily associated with the work of Albert Bandura, and suggests that behaviours of any sort may be learned by observing others. Those individuals who are observed are known as models, and whether a person will be selected as a model depends on a range of variables including his status. Being a father, your status will more than likely be very high in the eyes of your child and you will have a lot more influence on his/ her behaviour than you may appreciate.
Listen to Children
Lastly, but probably most importantly, when faced with divorce parents need to listen to their children. Your children will be experiencing all kinds of new emotions as a result of the split, and their needs can soon be (unintentionally) second in line to the resentment, anger and hurt that both parents may feel towards each other.
The key thing to do here is listen to your children. They may need reassuring that your love for them hasn’t changed, and even though you are no longer all living under the same roof you both still love them no less. Listen to their doubts and concerns, and try to act on what they may be saying or feeling.
Going through a divorce is a very difficult time. However, when children are involved,and added to the mix, this creates two separate issues. Not only are you dealing with your feelings and emotions, you are also dealing with the feelings of your children. In time things will eventually get easier, however as illustrated above, there are certain steps that can be taken to assist the process.
